NORTHFIELD, MN — In a unanimous 7-0 vote Tuesday evening, the Northfield City Council announced an ambitious new housing initiative centered on demolishing several aging apartment buildings to make room for what officials described as “premium, mixed-use bicycle experiences.”

The proposal, titled “Wheels over Walls 2040” aims to address the city’s ongoing housing shortage by significantly reducing the number of places people can actually live.

“If there are fewer apartments, technically there will be fewer people looking for apartments,” explained one council member while gesturing toward a PowerPoint slide featuring a stock photo of someone smiling on a bicycle. “That’s just math.”

According to city planners, the new bike lanes will be nearly twice as wide as existing ones and feature decorative planters, interpretive poetry plaques, and a dedicated lane for cargo bikes.

Residents displaced by demolition were encouraged to “embrace alternative housing options,” including living with friends, living with parents, living in a refurbished grain silo, or purchasing a $780,000 single-family home.

The city’s Planning Department estimates the project will eliminate approximately 120 affordable housing units while creating nearly three uninterrupted miles of uninterrupted bicycle bliss.

Local cyclist Graham Pedalson applauded the proposal.

“I don’t even own a car,” he said. “Now I also won’t own an apartment. That’s consistency.”

Critics questioned whether removing housing during a housing shortage was the wisest course of action.

“People keep saying they need affordable places to live,” said one official. “But have they considered how relaxing it would be to bike past the place they used to live?”

To offset concerns, the city announced a pilot program allowing displaced residents to reserve benches overlooking the new bike lanes for up to two consecutive hours.

Economic development officials projected the lanes would attract dozens of weekend tourists from the Twin Cities, each expected to spend nearly $14 on coffee before returning to homes located somewhere else.

At press time, the council had also announced preliminary plans to convert several parking lots into community meditation gardens designed specifically for people searching for parking.